Surprises

Doing the interior work of meditation or psychotherapy can feel like turning one blind corner after another.  Often when just checking in with my body, I’ll get surprises I didn’t expect and definitely don’t want.  For instance I was walking through a parking lot towards my office building.  It was quiet, and I decided to engage in a little informal practice by feeling my breath and connecting with the silence.  What I encountered was a racing heart and short irregular breaths.  I’m sure the check-in didn’t cause this state, so it’s surprising to me that I can be walking around not aware that my body is in a panic state.  Once recognized, the feelings were intense and unmistakable.  By placing my attention on these sensations the panic dissipated, but  I left with a different feeling of uneasiness.   Am I truly walking through much of my life totally numb to saturated states like panic?  How much of me am I missing?  Is there a part of me that is willing me to ignore such bright red flags?

I’ve been told many times to be joyful when I recognize when my mind has wandered, and to be grateful when I can bring it back to my object of awareness.  I do, though, have some strong feelings of grief for all the parts of my life that I’ve missed.