Labeling Judgement, Judgement

I’ve been working with the noting technique recently. It’s comprised of simply stating internally what is being experienced; memories, sensing various stimuli, planning, discomfort, sadness, shame, judgement…etc. A common form of the instruction is to say the note to yourself twice, and during today’s meditation, this repetition struck home.

I was about halfway through my sit, and a the face of an acquaintance popped into my head. Without skipping a beat, my mind produced a negative judgement of the person, and I said “judgement” to myself silently. With the first mental utterance of the word came a painful self-condemnation for having the judgmental, and almost automatically I repeated “judgement” and realized the second one was for me, to let me off the hook for something that was only a thought.

That repetition helped me to see the judgement I was making about myself that was no more legitimate than the one I made about my acquaintance, but for that second or two I felt deserving of castigation. I was open to the work of judging myself, but not of the harder work of accepting myself, and letting go negative thoughts.  This pattern is perfectionism and the nearly constant shame of the nearly constant realization that I am not perfect.

I’ll continue to label my thoughts twice, the first time to let go of a thought and the second to let go of my self.